Can't Say "Tearjerker" Without "Jerk"

I heard me a song on the way to work the other day.  In the interest of not being libelous, I'm not going to say the title or artist, but suffice to say it's intended to be a heartwarming ditty about a high school sport and the camaraderie and memories and so on forevermore. 

I hate it.

I stocked a book of Christmas music at the store the other day.  The title song is a popular story-song regarding a child's aspiration to buy his mother a particular gift before she meets the Newborn King in person.

I hate it.

There's a certain author of a certain catalogue of books, several of which have been made into movies, that weave syrupy melodramas about lovers who sing, lovers who write letters, lovers who die, lovers who look penetratingly at one another as Chopin plays in the background.

I'm one of those who doesn't believe in hating people, so I don't hate the author.  But I do hate the books and the movies.

I'm pretty particular about my art and entertainment.  I'm not one of those that turns my nose up at anything that isn't classical and highbrow - shoot, I have two Ke$ha songs on my iPod.  Alls I want is for people to be committed to their particular artistic niche and to fullfill it with as much vigor and as little cynicism as possible.  And for me, songs and books like those above are heavy on the cynicism, light on the personal involvement.  They're cash cow works, written to dig at our emotions and earn lots of money for minimal effort.  Might sound harsh, but don't those works follow patterns you've seen all over the place?

Widely Admired Activity or Club + Nostalgia for Teenagerhood + Fortuitous Release Date = HEARTWARMING

Religious Holiday + Childhood Innocence + Possible Death = POIGNANCE

Boy From Wrong Side of Tracks With Heart of Gold + Uncertain or Hard-To-Get Girl + Deep Personal Tragedy + "You Have Changed My Life Forever" = MONEYS, Y'ALL!

The song or script sticks to the usual goalposts, occasionally making pit stops at such gems as "Acoustic Guitar Accompaniment for Intimate Feel" and "Let's Do The Dishes While Dancing Around to 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough.'"  What an insult to our intelligence!  These folks would do well to take some lessons from Fannie Flagg (Fried Green Tomatoes), Robert Harling (Steel Magnolias), and Tanya Tucker ("Two Sparrows in a Hurricane").  Now that's how you do emotional content.