Yes, I know I haven't posted in about a zillion years...I started a bunch of posts that got to be inordinately long and I had to stop halfway through and never restarted and by the time I revisited the dashboard, too much time had passed for them to still be relevant. Sorry.
So something was sort of...off today. Nothing particularly bad happened, certainly nothing to justify the semi-depressed, sensitive mood I was in. As a matter of fact, my unshakeable raincloud is the only thing that made it a bad day. It painted neutral or inconsequential events into sepia-toned bummers. Many good things happened today. I got to watch a silly video, my kids started painting ceiling tiles, my department head treated me to a pedicure, I got to sit poolside with some family members and got a free dinner with my good friends in the worship department at Pueblos. That ought to be a good day.
Normally when this happens, I try to probe my own brain and emotions to find a root cause. I look for clues in my own psyche, like things that I catch myself constantly thinking about or moments I keep replaying in my head. I have a similar process for when I'm mad at somebody - if I find myself continually arguing with this person in my brain and trying to find different points with which to defend my opinion, it usually means that there is something about me (usually that I was wrong) or about the situation (usually that the other person highlighted something about me that needs improvement) that I am unwilling to admit to myself and I just need to admit it and move on. My mom always taught me to pick my battles and it's turned out to be fabulous advice because really and truly, there are lots of battles that are really not worth fighting and although I am not one to fight with people very much, this little mental process helps me stop fighting with my ownself as well.
With sad days, it's a little tricky, because sometimes things pile up on you and create or inflame sensitive spots in your emotions that you don't realize are getting sensitive until you find yourself ready to punch somebody because they told you your fly was down. It is much more rare for me to think of a specific moment in the day that caused me to be sad - instead, I find a collage of moments, physical states and environmental influences that all contribute to a down day. In reflecting, I think lots of different things all conspired to start today on a wrong foot. I didn't sleep well last night because I was beset by horrible pain for about an hour, I felt uncomfortable in the clothing I picked out but didn't have time to pick out different clothes, some of my students and coworkers were in a funk as well, and at two different times I had very valid, gracefully articulated advice given to me that, because I am a sensitive egotist, I took as being told that all my decisions are invalid and stupid. With one of these people, I did not even bother to conceal my pique in my facial expression, though I did weakly try to excuse it as being "tired" (Sorry, Jenna! You were right and I was wrong and it made me grouchy!)
At this point in writing this post, I feel my mood improving a little, which usually means I found the problem. It disappoints me a little how often it's the same problem - feeling like I'm being criticized when someone was actually just expressing a difference of opinion, or being validly but kindly criticized and feeling like OMG NOTHING I DO IS RIGHT EVAAAAAAR! It has been my goal this year to teach myself that a difference of opinion doesn't automatically mean I am wrong and stupid, and that valid criticism of my mistakes doesn't make me a failure because everyone makes mistakes. It seems so basic and uncomplicated when I type it out, and yet my psyche reacts to the phrase "you should" the way my body reacts to an allergen.
But hey, a couple of years ago, this wouldn't just have made for a sad day, it would have made for a sad week, at the end of which I *still* wouldn't be totally clear on why I was so sad. Progress!
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