The NONE - A Review and Better Ideas

I'm going to try to avoid spoilers for The Nun for most of this, but (1) it was released almost a year ago and (2) as CorderyFX (hella spoilers in that video) points out, it spoils itself.

I enjoy writing in the same way I enjoy crocheting.  I can do very basic little things, but I don't have a ton of time to devote to it, so I get occasional fits of zeal, do it for a few days, then abandon it for months or even years (have a look at my blog archive...)  I fershure ain't done any fiction or screenwriting and I don't pretend to know more about writing scripts than people who do so for a living.

I *also* enjoy the occasional scary movie, but I have certain tastes.  If horror movies are nachos, then the setting and characters are the chips, the central conflict is the cheese, and accessories like jumpscares and super detailed gore and violence are jalapenos.  "I want you to saw your leg off because it amuses me" or "I'm going to sew you and your friends together because I'm loco bonkers" do not cut it.  Those types of movies are flimsy chips and cheap "pasteurized processed cheese products" - I demand real tortillas and real cheese.  As for toppings...I like some sliced jalapenos on my nachos and I don't mind a few jumpscares or gory parts in my scary movies, but I'm not about to eat an entire plate of just jalapenos and I'm not going to sit through a film that relies on jumpscares or gore exclusively for its' scare factor.


I watched The Conjuring about a year and a half ago and I quite liked it.  Because I hadn't seen The Conjuring 2 or the Annabelle spinoffs, I hadn't seen Valak as depicted/foreshadowed in the other films.  My first encounter with The Nun's marketing came from a YouTube ad that said, "Original ads for The Nun were actually pulled for being too scary, so this painting is all we can show you..."

Girl did you fall from heaven...because I'm pretty sure you're Lucifer.

It was a midroll and I wasn't watching a horror-themed YouTube video, so to have that suddenly staring at me with the creepy voice-over and scary encroaching violins was effective.  I was both repulsed and fascinated.  I'm a little iffy with movies that have Christian content, and with the trailers for The Nun, it was kind of hard to tell how far it veered into Hollywood possession versus genuine possession.  And of course, although I'm less susceptible to scary imagery than I was as a kid, I'm not immune to nightmares or to suddenly visualizing The Nun, The Babadook, or the knife-wielding aggressor from Hush in the shadows as I get up at 2 AM to pee.  

This past spring break, I finally got the guts to do it, figuring that if I got super freaked out, it was ok to stay up all night watching cartoons with the lights on because I was off work all week.  So I watched The Nun at midnight.  A midnight viewing of the alleged "darkest chapter of the Conjuring universe" for which I paid seven American dollars that I will never get back.  Not only did I not get scared...I actually laughed at things that were supposed to frighten me.  Upcoming plot points were so obvious and formulaic that I took to yelling them out and making tiny bets with myself, winning each one.  If we return to my nacho analogy, that movie is like half a burnt chip, unmelted store brand American cheese slices and three jalapenos that have wrinkled with age and neglect.  It is garbage trash and I'll only watch it again if Rifftrax comes along with me.

So here, after a far-too-long introduction, are my story ideas that could have been used for The Nun.  I ain't a writer, I ain't a movie maker, and these ideas ain't original.  But they're (1) equally unoriginal as the real plot of The Nun and (2) WAY MORE ENTERTAINING.  They're also pretty much all abuse-driven, because I can't think of a reason an entity would want to do horror movie things except that hurt people hurt people.

 Better Plots for The Nun

(taking for granted that The Nun is a disguise for or is possessed by Valak, per Conjuring 2)

1. Childhood Horror - the nun was a normal little girl raised by an abusive authority figure whose torture ramps her people-pleasing skills to eleven.  She works harder and harder for approval and denies and suppresses her rage until eventually she snaps, killing the authority figure.  In this raw and vulnerable state, Valak overtakes her and uses her outward appearance as a nice Catholic girl/nun to seek out those who could be similarly victimized (like Irene) and "rescue" them by possessing/empowering them to destroy their abusers.  Irene has to protect her acquaintances from being identified as aggressors and targeted, and herself from being overtaken like the original nun, while also seeking to save the nun's soul from Valak.  The abusive-parent inciting incident is thoroughly trodden in scary movies, but at least it's a plot (cough cough).
2. More Straightforward Possession - the nun was just a nun with a less glaring vulnerability, like a vice she had prior to taking her vows, that Valak uses to possess her.  Valak just happens to be the biggest, baddest demon of them all, leaving in his possession history a line of destruction, depravity and general horror.  Basically The Exorcist with a dash of Oculus.  Irene's status as a novice can be taken to mean she's not really sure about her spiritual status, giving her that weak-but-strong underdog appeal to counteract Valak's strong-just-strong-all-strong.  While we're stealing from other movies, this movie would also need to borrow from the Scream trilogy the death of a major character or bankable actor to sell this one.
3. Social Commentary - like Childhood Horror, except in this version the nun is abused or assaulted from within the church or abbey by someone in power, so she actively seeks out Valak to exact revenge.  This would make Father Forgot-His-Name a target because CHURCH BADDDD and Irene ambiguous because she's a novice...she might take her vows and become Valak's enemy, or she might recant and be "rescued."  Irene's task becomes digging the original nun out from under Valak's shadow and showing her to heal, to react to her abuse proactively rather than destructively, etc. and perhaps also to expose and drive out the nun's abusers.  Again, critical theory premises are old hat in horror, but a plot is a plot.
4. Surprise Bad Guy, Version 1 - Valak was originally just a human and subordinate to the nun in some way, like a student in a school she taught at, and the nun was the abuser.  Valak dies as result of the nun's abuse or neglect and returns to Earth to possess her and cause her to do all kinds of overt sinning so that she feels the shame and anger that he was made to feel.  Irene and Father Forgettable have to (1) suss out that origin story, (2) separate Valak and the nun and (3) save them both from each other and themselves.  M. Night Shyamalan, eat your heart out.
5. Surprise Bad Guy, Version 2 - The Nun is a decoy, an illusion meant to distract the Vatican while the real Valak slips in via...IRENE!  Irene performs "exorcisms" which are actually "transfers" to stronger/more influential persons.  This would also provide an opportunity to connect the Farmiga sisters, because you know who else knows a lot about spirits and demons and is called upon to expel them all the time?  Lorraine.  Irene is suspected by the church and "disappears"...but in fact becomes Lorraine and continues her activities under different auspices in another country.  A story at least as old as Carmilla, but it's not fixing that which isn't broken.

Those are all I can think of at the moment.  Basically (here come the spoilers) I want either the Nun, Valak or both to actually *be somebody* and *have motivation.*  I want there to be real stakes, real danger, real harm.  "We all died because we were afraid of seeing Scary Lady in the mirror" is weak sauce.  "We all died because this thing either possessed our friend and had her kill us or possessed us and made us kill ourselves" is a non-vegetarian The Happening and still way better than The Nun. 

Miss me, ladies?