First Worldiest Problem: In ABD Limbo

So I finished coursework for my doctorate last summer.  During the fall, I was still caught up in studying for the second sitting of my history prelim, then for my orals, then in trying to spit out the first draft of my proposal.  Even though I wasn't in a regularly-meeting class anymore, I still had daily tasks and roughly regular goals to meet.

But now.

I feel like I was strapped to a rocket (enrolling at UGA for the first time), got lit up and shot into the sky (getting my Master's), endured bone-crushing g-forces and face-melting heat (getting through comps) and now I have escaped the atmosphere, my rocket has burned out and I am just floating around in space.  Just be lookin' at satellites 'n junk.  My major professor is fantastic - he's been attentive, responsive and helpful.  But every dissertation is different, and while there are certain procedural steps that happen in a certain order, there's no template to follow, and no set timeline to adhere to except the 5-year deadline for completion.  He can't tell me exactly what to write because (1) he done writ his dissertation and (2) neither one of us really knows the final shape of this thing yet.  It's going to take some poking around by both of us, like we're trying to map out trails on a previously unmapped patch of forest.  I'm running around with my compass, checking out every possible route and he's behind me, occasionally pointing out better routes or telling me not to touch the poison ivy.

That metaphor is a bit labored, but I stand by it.

When I passed orals, he warned me that some students "want to play hurry-up" and end up with submissions that don't pass, which wastes everyone's time and the student's tuition money.  I'm guessing he (rightly) saw that tendency in me.  There are still some questions we have to address before I can submit another revision...I mean, I guess I could submit another revision anyway, but I know some problems or holes would still be there.  But the forces in me that want to do things as correctly as possible, to follow procedure and cultural expectations, to make a good impression on my major professor...these are, for the time being, managing to override the part of me that wants to check things off my to-do list (dishes, laundry, terminal degree).  I'm only about 4 months into my ABD status, but the fear of missing that 5-year deadline is already starting to creep up.  If that happens, I have to re-take comps and do all of this all over again.  Some of my committee members have thrown the word "retire" around, so if I had to re-do this, it might be with a whole different Doc Squad.  These dudes are like a hyper-intelligent, hyper-talented set of favorite uncles and I am NOT interested in replacing them.

There was a time when this whole process felt like a vague future supposition, the way your kindergarten self said you were going to be a cop, singer and dinosaur when you grew up.  In undergrad, I would talk about getting a doctorate with about the same level of commitment...I figured I probably could do it, but couldn't really see that far into the future over the immediacy of trying to memorize Dr. J's 10 Characteristics of Impressionism or not accidentally belch while trying to support the tone during one of Dr. R's voice lessons.  Now I am actually here and it is the weirdest, most wonderful thing.  I am equal parts gratified by the feeling of accomplishment in having made it to this point and PETRIFIED about the possibility of not making it any farther.  Of blowing the game-winning touchdown.  Of suffering a laryngeal spasm during the "money note" of the finale.  Of suffering a power outage during the final boss.

Of having to take that history prelim a third time.  I may just throw myself off the roof of the Hugh if that happens.