Joy

I have been hesitant to write this for the last little while because I feel like I might be taunting karma.  Ok, fine, my religion doesn't subscribe officially to "karma", but let's be real: a great many of us entertain the notion from time to time that there is some sort of cosmic scorekeeping between fair and foul fortune going on and that too great a gain on one side will most certainly invite a compensatory swell from the other.  What goes up must come down, there is nothing new under the sun, etc.  So by speaking my feelings into the world, a little part of me worries that I am going to invite misfortune.  But then the Logic Machine (TM) comes back online and reminds me just how little in control I am of anything ever, and so I should gather roses while I may.

Any more quotes and this blog would be an act of plagiarism.

Anyway, we had a guest speaker at church this last Sunday who talked about how we sometimes deny ourselves the opportunity to pursue the desires of our hearts because of the various boundaries society puts around activities.  I'm too inexperienced, too old, too awkward, too whatever to do this thing I would like to do.  And so I got to thinking about the things I wanted to be able to do.  Like most of you, my goals for my life changed over time.

Age 4: I want to be a cop (because Grandma was one...yes, I am serious) or maybe one of those Fantasia pixies that changes the seasons.  Not sure why I tended to use the word "pixie" instead of the more common "fairy," so I'm going to engage in blogalistic license and claim that it's because of the Scotch/Irish branches of my family.  I'm sure you're shocked to know that neither of those career plans came to fruition.

Age 9: I want to be a singer.  Now, I am one.

Age 13: I might want to be a teacher.  Now, I am one.

Age 14: I might also want to write.  Now, I do, both on the blog and in print.

Age 15: I would like to be a "real" accompanist instead of just playing one or two things at a concert.  Now, I am one.

Age 16: I want to be a chorus teacher, but I would like to perform sometimes too.  Now, I do both.

Age 19: I want to earn a doctorate.  Now, I'm ABD.

Age 20: I want to be in GMEA and do GMEA things.  Now, I am and I do.

Age 22: I want to write or arrange some choral music.  Now, I do.

Age 24: I'd like to have a YouTube channel.  Now, I do.

Age 27: I'd like to be able to run for longer than 90 seconds at a stretch.  Now, I can.

Age 29: I'd like to have more toned muscles.  Still working on that one, but I have more muscle than I used to!

Now, these weren't by any means ALL of the things I thought I'd like to do.  I remember tossing out different ideas, some met with a thoughtful "hm," some with a sardonic, "Ok, sure..." that implied my suggested life choice would not be as glamorous or fun as I thought it was going to be.

Well guess what, friends?  All those things I listed above that I now do?  Are EVERY BIT as fun as I thought they would be.  In fairness, all have taken time and I have some growing-pains-style memories associated with each, but as I approach 30 years old, it feels like the save point of a video game.  I've reached a level of proficiency with all these goals (except the weight training, but it's been less than a year) that fills me with a weird mixture of comfort and excitement.  I'm no longer so overwhelmed by them that they seem insurmountable, but I still have enough learning and growing to do that they're still stimulating.  I don't freeze with fear, but I don't roll my eyes with boredom.  And there are so many things tied into each that I didn't anticipate back when the idea first entered my mind.  I wanted to become a chorus teacher because I love choral music...I couldn't have imagined how hilarious, exciting and fun my kids would be.  I wanted to be an accompanist because I like to play piano...I couldn't have imagined how it would connect me with friends and mentors and expose me to lots of different repertoire, conducting styles and interpretive/emotional elements (which, as anyone who has ever tried to teach me to conduct can tell you, I need SERIOUS help with.)  I wanted to run because I like solitary entertainments and tend to move around when I think anyway...I had no idea how relaxing and empowering it would feel.*

This is an even bigger and fuller life than I ever thought I would have and I am loving every minute.

*Although starting a run still sucks.