The Irish Tan: A Look at My Summers

Every summer, I undergo a transformation.  The winter so stifles my spirit that by the time summer comes, I'm ready to soak up the sun, sprout some freckles and start a process that takes my skin color from one extreme to another:

 

As you can see, it's a major upheaval that requires a specific process.

This process usually begins around this time of the year, when the sun starts to come out and the temperatures rise, making the outdoors not only tolerable, but in some instances preferable.  It is during this time of year that I start venturing into my backyard for short sunning sessions, taking all the necessary SPF precautions.

 

The once-a-week backyard sun sessions are a good start.  Then, usually around the beginning of the summer, I get the opportunity to go on a beach vacation, which in my feeble mind will undoubtedly become my personal Shangri-La regardless of the presence of other humans...

 

But after a few days on this beach vacation, I note with some dismay that the parts of my body that have been regularly exposed to the sun are not really distinguishable from the parts of my body that have never been exposed to the sun.

 

After having reached this epiphany and having had a night to sleep on it, the next morning's sun preparation becomes a much higher-stakes event.

 

"Ok, I'll only wear it for a few minutes.  I'll just go poolside with it, stay out for a very short while, and then dart back in."

So I slather on the mystical tanning lotion and take it to the pool, at which point I am invariably too distracted to notice that the sun has become a little more agitated.

 

There's a reason the sun has taken notice.

You know how those special tanning-specific lotions work?

SUN PHEREMONES.

 

The sun is driven mad with affection for the lotion.  And because the lotion is attached to my skin, it becomes the hapless honeymoon destination for a very pro-jazz-hands group of sunbeams and lotion molecules.

 

(Sunbeam not to be confused with Spaghatta Nadle)

Also, I linked to a clean Spaghatta Nadle clip - the others are more vulgar

The meeting of these star-crossed lovers does not bode well for me.

 

For a while, I declare myself as being No Longer on Speaking Terms with the sun.

 

But after a while, the burns go away and my alleged "highly rententive memory" dismisses the memories of being burned in favor of remembering lines from Scrubs and I resume my backyard ritual.

 

Unfortunately, I don't reach this point until the summer starts to draw to a close and conditions are becoming increasingly hostile towards sunbathing.

 

So I get all the UVA and UVB rays (again, with SPF 15) I can until the shivering causes me to fall off my sun chair, finally achieving my impeccable Irish Tan.

Then winter comes and I get to the business of fading it and wishing summer were back.

Much Ado about The Mundane

This post is inspired by an email Dad sent me comparing stereotypical male and female showering habits.  The first step-by-step was my reply to the email.

The Morning Shower
1. Walk to bathroom in pajamas, grumbling incoherently because there is NO WAY that it is 6:00 a.m. already, for the love of Pete...
2. Turn on bathroom light and give a start as the brightness assaults your eyes
3. Turn hot water knob all the way on
4. Spend the 5 minutes it takes the water to actually become hot removing pajamas and spit-shining the smeared mascara off your face
5. Check water temperature, scald hand, turn cold knob ever-so-slightly
6. Step into now-tepid shower, fuss with cold knob further
7. Squeeze shampoo into hand, begin washing hair, then curse the world because you accidentally got the conditioner instead and will now spend the day looking as though you put Vitalis in your hair
8. Rinse conditioner out of hair, get shampoo bottle, stare at it to make sure it is actually the shampoo bottle, then wash hair
9. Get sponge, ignore the fact that the spot where the sponge was sitting is slightly moldy, lather up and wash
10. Begin freaking out because hot water is beginning to wane
11. Wash face in expensive acne-preventative soap that seems to be prejudiced against your chin
12. Struggle to turn water off because you are now so cold that your joints are locking up
13. Stagger quietly to laundry room to find clothes, trying not to wake your husband, who will be asleep until you leave at 7:00.

The Morning Commute - School Day Edition
Most of my readers know this, but in case a stranger stumbles across: I teach at a private school three mornings a week and the school is 30 minutes away, whereas my retail job is only 10.
1. Laden with purse, heavy teaching supplies bag and coffee thermos, stumble out front door, not bothering to lock deadbolt because you figure that Husband can protect himself against assailants effectively
2. Start car, find spot in passenger seat to set bag and purse and attempt to clear a cupholder for your coffee
3. Spend first five minutes of commute flipping among morning shows trying to catch your favorite segments (The Pastors on Steve Harvey, Wow Wednesday on Cadillac and Dallas, Pretty Much Everything on The Burt Show)
4. (Winter) Watch car temperature gauge to see when you can turn the heat on.  (Summer)  Roll down window slightly, rejoice in sunshine
5. Think about past awkward situation/impending future awkward situation/potential future awkward situation/completely impossible future awkward situation/moment when you meet your celebrity crush
6. Begin mentally rehearsing what you'll do and say (or what you should have done and said) in whichever of the aforementioned situations you are thinking about
7. Gradually forget that you are in the car and thus visible and begin speaking aloud to the Imaginary Situation
8. Begin making exaggerated facial expressions and hand gestures with the hand that is not steering the car
9. Check eye makeup in mirror and catch quizzical expression from neighboring driver in your peripheral vision and be jarringly reminded that other people can see you talking
10. Pick up phone and pretend to be saying goodbye and hanging up from a speakerphone call
11. Remember that show on MTV that put hidden cameras in rental cars to catch people singing, wonder if there is a hidden camera in your car, begin freaking out
12. Turn on your CD player and begin harmonizing with Kristin Chenoweth to redeem yourself to the creepers watching your car's hidden camera feed
13. Arrive at school

Yoga Workout (Non-School Days)
1. (Night before) Assemble mat, blocks and strap and clean room to help foster thoughts that you are a Zen Flower, strong and beautiful and capable of anything
2. (Morning of) Have no such thoughts; lament the fact that you are up at 6 on a day that you don't have to be at work until 10
3. Boot up laptop and click the bookmark for your yoga workout.  (Yes, that is BYUTV, as in Brigham Young University TV, chosen because I know it will approach the yoga from a health standpoint and eschew its original religious meaning - don't have a problem with the Eastern religions, they just aren't personally relevant to me, nor are they relevant to Mormons)
4. Make half-hearted attempts at stretching while Deni Preston talks about proper yoga technique, which you will probably botch because Deni Preston is not there with you personally to check
5. Perform Sun Salutations.  Become self-conscious when you hear the THUD that occurs when you descend to the floor to perform Downward Dog
6. Become self-conscious when you start feeling tired 5 minutes into the workout
7. Become self-conscious when you realize that the top part of the window to your workout room is uncovered and a hypothetical creeper in your front yard tree could see you
8. Fall out of Triangles
9. Fall out of Prayer Twist
10. Hold breath to stop falling out of poses.  Hear Deni remind you to breathe.  Yell to Deni that "BREATHING MAKES IT HARDER!!!"
11. Rejoice when cool down set begins
12. Start to doze off in Corpse Pose, then realize that it's past 7 and begin the Morning Math:
   12.1. "If I shower now, there will be enough time for the hot water to recover for Andrew's shower.  But I'm tired."
   12.2. "If I wait until after Andrew's shower, I won't be able to shower until 8, which means I won't have enough time to do full makeup and a good hairstyle.  How badly do I want to look pretty?"
   12.3. "How gross am I?  Can I get away without showering at all?"
13.  Resign, grudgingly rise and stumble to shower

Entering Participation Grades
1. (Day 10 of Semester) Remember that you need to post Participation Grades as assignments and start entering them.  Make mental note to do so later
2. (Day 30 of Semester) Remember that you need to post Participation Grades as assignments and start entering them.  Make mental note to do so later
3. (Day 60 of Semester) Remember that you need to post Participation Grades as assignments and start entering them.  Make mental note to do so later
4. (Beginning of Finals Week) Remember that you need to post Participation Grades as assignments and start entering them.  Make mental note that you have only a week left to do so
5. (Night before deadline) Post Participation Grades as assignments and give out straight 100s, thanking the Lord that you only have three students and that they all have exemplary behavior

The Unsleeping

It is 1:04 AM.

I tried to go to bed at 10.  It didn't happen.  First, I was stricken with a physical malady which does not lend itself to polite description.  Suffice to say that it prevents sleep pretty effectively.  Once that subsided, my brain just wouldn't shut up.  So many thoughts and feelings racing around - I got a brief respite when a dear friend shared some news, but soon after that, I was back to Really Not Sleeping Ever.


I have much to do this week.  And there have been areas of invidiousness in my life that disgust me and I have been trying to remedy this by just not really ever thinking about them.

Yeah, that doesn't work.  So I think about them at times like this, when I have a body that won't lie comfortably, a brain that won't quiet down and a heart that believes that midnight is a fine time to meet one's unacceptable shortcomings head-on in an hours-long slideshow featuring all the times in recent days when I have strayed from the path of righteousness and how I need to stop that junk right now.

I had a friend back in college who was an expert at staying up.  If I try to pull an all-nighter, I'll be sleeping by 11 AM, regardless of where I am.  Good thing I don't have to be anywhere at 11 AM tomorrow!  But for her, all-nighters were child's play.  She would stay awake for days when there were things that needed doing.  And I'm not referring to "not sleeping" the way most of us use that phrase, in which we might actually snatch little 30-minute naps or take TV breaks.  Not only did she not sleep in any sense of the word, she worked, organized, studied and basically produced whole worlds as the rest of us slackers maintained more typical circadian rhythms.  She wasn't completely superhuman, of course; after too many rounds of staying up for 5 days and sleeping at night for 2, she would crash.  It didn't happen often and she usually tried to space out the sessions of marathon wakefulness as a preventative measure, but I remember at least two occasions when she finally hit the wall and required something close to nursing for about a week before she could function again. 

While it is really not wise for me to push myself into a week-long crash, I can't help but oddly admire her dedication.  The closest I ever came to her obsessive scheduling happened during my senior year.  Those seeking education degrees, even education minors like we music ed. types, have to turn in a portfolio with this and that project and assignment.  We got a list with the required items and the courses in which we could expect to complete those items, so that we would know to be looking for them, to polish them well, and to save them.  Unfortunately, there was a little bit of a disconnect - our group got this list late, and we discovered that many of the assignments and projects on this list were never actually assigned in our coursework.  So in the midst of preparing Senior Recitals, gearing up to student teach, and cramming in those last few classes, we suddenly had semesters of work to do in a few weeks.  Finally, it came down to the week before the deadline and I still had quite a few assignments to invent.  So I stocked up on Rockstars and buckled down, but definitely not to any real extreme - Because I had to get up early to finish observation (the deadline for which fell at the same time) and did not wish to fall asleep at the wheel and crash my car, I determined that no matter what, I would stop working at 3:00 AM so that I could get up at 6:00 AM.  So Monday night through Thursday night, I slept only 3 hours each night.  I remember getting the big check mark on my portfolio assignments and my observation hours and then I remember nothing.

The only time I ever pulled a genuine all-nighter was during a very special week at my college that I can't go into detail about.  But it warranted working all night long, with a break at 4:30 AM for a trip to the Waffle House to eat and coffee up.  We asked our friend who Stays Up Like A Champion how she does it and she gave us the following advice:
"Don't think about it.  The first time you look outside this morning and see light in the sky, tell yourself that you are just waking up.  This is a normal day."

I tried it.  Still fell asleep in Form and Orchestration class.