Y'guys

I know I am the worst blogger on The Planet.  I've been busy these days.  There are lots of little nuggets in my brain to talk about, such as:

1. Folks who refer to my male colleagues as "sir" and me as "honey" and only shake the hands of my male colleagues but think it's cool to put a hand on my shoulder.

2. Clothing that looks totally legit on some women, but indecent on me.  Girls: you know what I mean.  UNFAIR.

3. Punditry and the rash of ideological morons (or sellouts to sensationalism) who feel the urge to reduce every situation or issue down to a false cartoonish good people - bad people dichotomy and ignore the vast majority of responses and needs (which have the added characteristic of actually existing in real life) in between.

4. Coffee, you guys.  COFFEE.

5. Southern Social Exercises: What We Say and What We Mean.

6. Public personalities and the blurring line between what you produce being a commodity and your person/existence being a commodity.

7. Reclaiming My Face: Actively Trying To Leave The House Sans Makeup And Not Care

These may or may not be expanded in some way.  We'll see.  In the meantime, enjoy the new widget to the right of this here text that shows you what all I've shared on Google Buzz!

A Glimpse Into Me Time

When I'm at home alone, I mess around on the piano, playing and singing songs I like.  Here's an example of some such tomfoolery.  Perfect?  No.  Fun?  Yes.

Kathryn

I have a cousin named Kathryn.  This is her singing the Batman theme and generally being silly.  (Warning: set the sound so you can barely hear her, because I start laughing about 10 seconds in and my laughter is WAY louder than her singing)

She is one of my favorite people.

Kathryn and Ashley on Theology
K: This is Lucy (indicates her doll)
Me: Oh!  And Lucy has a pacifier!
K: Yes
Me: Did you take a paci when you were a baby?
K: (shakes head)
Me: Oh yeah, you only sucked your thumb.
K: I still suck my thumb sometimes.
Me: Is that so?
K: And I still like God.
Me: (stifling laughter) Really?
K: Yes.  I like God.
Me: God likes you too, a lot.
K: Sometimes I wish I could hug God.
Me: You know what?  So do I.  We will get to someday, though, when we go to Heaven.
K: When will we go to Heaven?
Me: It won't be for a long time.  But we have lots of stuff to do here while we wait.
K: (nods)  And we don't like Satan.
Me: That's right.

Kathryn on Bad Weather
K: Be careful out there.  You'll get stormed and die.
Amber: Do what?
Kathryn's brother Daniel: She means you'll be struck by lightning.

Kathryn's Body Image
"I am very, very heavy."  (No, she isn't)

Ashley Tries to Read to Kathryn
Me: And the doggie said, "What time is the party?"
(looks up to notice Kathryn is goofing off)
Me: ...and then Kathryn stopped listening to the story and Ashley was confused!
K: (quizzical look) That's not the story how it goes, but ok. 

Kathryn Sings Songs
Kathryn's mother Dana: Kathryn, can you sing us the song you learned yesterday about Jesus?  (meaning "Jesus Loves Me")
K: Jesus...all the way...Old McDonald had a duck!

A month or so later when Andy and I were en route to Florida for a vacation, we saw a series of signs with Bible verses and proclamations about Jesus.  I couldn't read them all because I was driving, so I asked Andy what they said.
"Jesus all the way Old McDonald had a duck."

Addendum to my previous post

It just occurred to me that some readers might believe that they have done or said something to inspire the previous post.  The answer to that is no!

My Thorn in My Side: LET ME SHOW YOU IT

I was musing about this in my personal journal, but then decided that it's probably either universal enough or funny enough to warrant a blog post.

Everyone has pet peeves.  They can reveal much about us, or in this particular case, underline something I already knew about myself and remind me how pervasive this problem is. 
I put a lot of my self-worth in my "intelligence."  I put it in skeptical quotes because mine is a very specific brand of intelligence: the memory-wordy-musical kind.  I remember things well, I use uncommon words and I got musics.  My math skills are tenuous; I understand the concepts, but I understand them from a verbal standpoint.  I remember that 5 - 3 = 2, not because I am mentally fleshing out the images of 5, 3, and 2, but because I remember the sentence "Five minus three equals two."  And in elementary school when I was learning basic addition, I added numbers up to eight not by counting on fingers or other visualizing methods, but by rhythmically counting up.  To reach a solution to 6 + 8, I would say "Six" to myself, and then say "SEVEN - eight - NINE - ten - ELEVEN - twelve - THIRTEEN - fourteen" with that specific syllabic emphasis (hint: I was counting out two full measures in 4/4, stressing beats one and three, unconsciously) because it just felt right.  That felt like eight.  And to stop in beat 3 of the second measure felt like seven.  To stop in beat 1 of the second measure felt like five.  Past eight, I would lose my place.  You can imagine how well this worked out as I got older.  But words and musics, I has them.

So, particularly because of my memory smarts, I'm pretty accustomed to being able to get the right answer, to learn the rules and routines quickly, and to do my tasks well and correctly.  And I put a lot of stock in being smart.  It's become more and more apparent to me how much I put that memory to work in every aspect of my life as of late, especially in relationships.  I had the usual push-pull as a teen, but now...if I did something that seemed to cause you to snap at me?  I'll probably go out of my way not to do it again.  I asked you for something and you said no, but your no was due to a temporary deterrent?  I *still* will probably not ask you again.  I needed something and you were in a bad mood and blew me off?  I will either conclude that I can't depend on you for what I need or that what I need is frivolous.  Something in me makes me think I can learn all the rules of people and if I just learn them all and follow them all, I won't get snapped at, won't be disliked, and (most importantly) won't be considered stupid.  Because people are totally static and never develop or change!  (That's facetiousness, in case you can't tell)

The pet peeve that brought on this deluge of navel-gazing introspection is: receiving unsolicited advice.  This drives me insane.  Now, of course, there are times when I am able to excuse it.  If I were to, say, draw the hem of my robe over a candle and set it afire, I would not only tolerate a "YOUR ROBE IS ON FIRE!" from you, I would likely welcome it.  An "AAAAAAAH!!" with much pointing would also suffice.  And I am not a complete idiot: I realize that advice is sometimes helpful and even occasionally needed.  I often times actually solicit advice from people.  But getting pointers I didn't ask for is so annoying to me as to be cringeworthy.  If the advice is something I didn't know that is relevant to the situation, it will bother me because by the time I embark on some task, I'm supposed to have learned enough about it to do it without help; if I still need help in the execution phase, it means I'm stupid.  If the advice is (1) something I already knew, (2) not necessarily relevant to the situation, as often happens when someone doesn't know enough about it to be giving advice, or (3) something I know to be inaccurate, it takes effort to conceal my anger.  Because in those cases, someone underestimated my knowledge or abilities, but my Rules of People dictate that I can't correct them because that's defensive/immature/unladylike/whatever.  So there I am, either actually being stupid or being perceived as stupid and without a dern thing to do about it except bottle the frustration and pop the top right here on this blog!

So that's one of my big flaws.  I try to get around it by not doing things I haven't extensively researched or studied, or by saving new tasks for when I am alone.  It's not that I believe I should never require help - I seek it pretty often - but that I should require help at a certain time.  I treat the whole world like school.  I learn about a potential task or project by Googling it and asking other people about it - this is the studying phase.  When I set out to do it, that's the test phase.  And at the test phase, you're supposed to know it and not need any further assistance.  If you haven't properly prepared, you fail the test.  So when I get unsolicited advice that I actually needed, I feel like I've failed a test.  And when I get some that I didn't need, I feel like I'm being accused of failing.

I hope that in this exercise in transparency I have made someone else feel a little bit better about one of his or her particular thorns.

The Irish Tan: A Look at My Summers

Every summer, I undergo a transformation.  The winter so stifles my spirit that by the time summer comes, I'm ready to soak up the sun, sprout some freckles and start a process that takes my skin color from one extreme to another:

 

As you can see, it's a major upheaval that requires a specific process.

This process usually begins around this time of the year, when the sun starts to come out and the temperatures rise, making the outdoors not only tolerable, but in some instances preferable.  It is during this time of year that I start venturing into my backyard for short sunning sessions, taking all the necessary SPF precautions.

 

The once-a-week backyard sun sessions are a good start.  Then, usually around the beginning of the summer, I get the opportunity to go on a beach vacation, which in my feeble mind will undoubtedly become my personal Shangri-La regardless of the presence of other humans...

 

But after a few days on this beach vacation, I note with some dismay that the parts of my body that have been regularly exposed to the sun are not really distinguishable from the parts of my body that have never been exposed to the sun.

 

After having reached this epiphany and having had a night to sleep on it, the next morning's sun preparation becomes a much higher-stakes event.

 

"Ok, I'll only wear it for a few minutes.  I'll just go poolside with it, stay out for a very short while, and then dart back in."

So I slather on the mystical tanning lotion and take it to the pool, at which point I am invariably too distracted to notice that the sun has become a little more agitated.

 

There's a reason the sun has taken notice.

You know how those special tanning-specific lotions work?

SUN PHEREMONES.

 

The sun is driven mad with affection for the lotion.  And because the lotion is attached to my skin, it becomes the hapless honeymoon destination for a very pro-jazz-hands group of sunbeams and lotion molecules.

 

(Sunbeam not to be confused with Spaghatta Nadle)

Also, I linked to a clean Spaghatta Nadle clip - the others are more vulgar

The meeting of these star-crossed lovers does not bode well for me.

 

For a while, I declare myself as being No Longer on Speaking Terms with the sun.

 

But after a while, the burns go away and my alleged "highly rententive memory" dismisses the memories of being burned in favor of remembering lines from Scrubs and I resume my backyard ritual.

 

Unfortunately, I don't reach this point until the summer starts to draw to a close and conditions are becoming increasingly hostile towards sunbathing.

 

So I get all the UVA and UVB rays (again, with SPF 15) I can until the shivering causes me to fall off my sun chair, finally achieving my impeccable Irish Tan.

Then winter comes and I get to the business of fading it and wishing summer were back.

Much Ado about The Mundane

This post is inspired by an email Dad sent me comparing stereotypical male and female showering habits.  The first step-by-step was my reply to the email.

The Morning Shower
1. Walk to bathroom in pajamas, grumbling incoherently because there is NO WAY that it is 6:00 a.m. already, for the love of Pete...
2. Turn on bathroom light and give a start as the brightness assaults your eyes
3. Turn hot water knob all the way on
4. Spend the 5 minutes it takes the water to actually become hot removing pajamas and spit-shining the smeared mascara off your face
5. Check water temperature, scald hand, turn cold knob ever-so-slightly
6. Step into now-tepid shower, fuss with cold knob further
7. Squeeze shampoo into hand, begin washing hair, then curse the world because you accidentally got the conditioner instead and will now spend the day looking as though you put Vitalis in your hair
8. Rinse conditioner out of hair, get shampoo bottle, stare at it to make sure it is actually the shampoo bottle, then wash hair
9. Get sponge, ignore the fact that the spot where the sponge was sitting is slightly moldy, lather up and wash
10. Begin freaking out because hot water is beginning to wane
11. Wash face in expensive acne-preventative soap that seems to be prejudiced against your chin
12. Struggle to turn water off because you are now so cold that your joints are locking up
13. Stagger quietly to laundry room to find clothes, trying not to wake your husband, who will be asleep until you leave at 7:00.

The Morning Commute - School Day Edition
Most of my readers know this, but in case a stranger stumbles across: I teach at a private school three mornings a week and the school is 30 minutes away, whereas my retail job is only 10.
1. Laden with purse, heavy teaching supplies bag and coffee thermos, stumble out front door, not bothering to lock deadbolt because you figure that Husband can protect himself against assailants effectively
2. Start car, find spot in passenger seat to set bag and purse and attempt to clear a cupholder for your coffee
3. Spend first five minutes of commute flipping among morning shows trying to catch your favorite segments (The Pastors on Steve Harvey, Wow Wednesday on Cadillac and Dallas, Pretty Much Everything on The Burt Show)
4. (Winter) Watch car temperature gauge to see when you can turn the heat on.  (Summer)  Roll down window slightly, rejoice in sunshine
5. Think about past awkward situation/impending future awkward situation/potential future awkward situation/completely impossible future awkward situation/moment when you meet your celebrity crush
6. Begin mentally rehearsing what you'll do and say (or what you should have done and said) in whichever of the aforementioned situations you are thinking about
7. Gradually forget that you are in the car and thus visible and begin speaking aloud to the Imaginary Situation
8. Begin making exaggerated facial expressions and hand gestures with the hand that is not steering the car
9. Check eye makeup in mirror and catch quizzical expression from neighboring driver in your peripheral vision and be jarringly reminded that other people can see you talking
10. Pick up phone and pretend to be saying goodbye and hanging up from a speakerphone call
11. Remember that show on MTV that put hidden cameras in rental cars to catch people singing, wonder if there is a hidden camera in your car, begin freaking out
12. Turn on your CD player and begin harmonizing with Kristin Chenoweth to redeem yourself to the creepers watching your car's hidden camera feed
13. Arrive at school

Yoga Workout (Non-School Days)
1. (Night before) Assemble mat, blocks and strap and clean room to help foster thoughts that you are a Zen Flower, strong and beautiful and capable of anything
2. (Morning of) Have no such thoughts; lament the fact that you are up at 6 on a day that you don't have to be at work until 10
3. Boot up laptop and click the bookmark for your yoga workout.  (Yes, that is BYUTV, as in Brigham Young University TV, chosen because I know it will approach the yoga from a health standpoint and eschew its original religious meaning - don't have a problem with the Eastern religions, they just aren't personally relevant to me, nor are they relevant to Mormons)
4. Make half-hearted attempts at stretching while Deni Preston talks about proper yoga technique, which you will probably botch because Deni Preston is not there with you personally to check
5. Perform Sun Salutations.  Become self-conscious when you hear the THUD that occurs when you descend to the floor to perform Downward Dog
6. Become self-conscious when you start feeling tired 5 minutes into the workout
7. Become self-conscious when you realize that the top part of the window to your workout room is uncovered and a hypothetical creeper in your front yard tree could see you
8. Fall out of Triangles
9. Fall out of Prayer Twist
10. Hold breath to stop falling out of poses.  Hear Deni remind you to breathe.  Yell to Deni that "BREATHING MAKES IT HARDER!!!"
11. Rejoice when cool down set begins
12. Start to doze off in Corpse Pose, then realize that it's past 7 and begin the Morning Math:
   12.1. "If I shower now, there will be enough time for the hot water to recover for Andrew's shower.  But I'm tired."
   12.2. "If I wait until after Andrew's shower, I won't be able to shower until 8, which means I won't have enough time to do full makeup and a good hairstyle.  How badly do I want to look pretty?"
   12.3. "How gross am I?  Can I get away without showering at all?"
13.  Resign, grudgingly rise and stumble to shower

Entering Participation Grades
1. (Day 10 of Semester) Remember that you need to post Participation Grades as assignments and start entering them.  Make mental note to do so later
2. (Day 30 of Semester) Remember that you need to post Participation Grades as assignments and start entering them.  Make mental note to do so later
3. (Day 60 of Semester) Remember that you need to post Participation Grades as assignments and start entering them.  Make mental note to do so later
4. (Beginning of Finals Week) Remember that you need to post Participation Grades as assignments and start entering them.  Make mental note that you have only a week left to do so
5. (Night before deadline) Post Participation Grades as assignments and give out straight 100s, thanking the Lord that you only have three students and that they all have exemplary behavior