Although I try to conduct myself with the best manners I know, I usually try not to get too obsessed with other people's etiquette because I know it can so often be misused in classist ways. Vive la difference and so on.
However.
A recent trip to my local grocer gave me cause to think a little on the question of where being considerate ends and proper "etiquette" begins. There's the etiquette that says you're a boorish untouchable if you use the wrong fork in a formal dining setting ("Oh," thought the other diners, "what ultimate tragedy to have grown up without the benefit of finishing school.") and then there's the etiquette that says you maybe should try not to actively impede other people from trying to perform a basic task.
With that in mind, let's talk about some of the behaviors I witnessed in the store that made me want to forget my own manners and start flipping the table on them hosers.
1. Poor cart/self parking decisions
There are a few common reasons to pause for longer than it takes to grab whatever product you're selecting; using your phone, checking your list, chatting with a friend or deciding your next move come readily to mind. All perfectly fine activities, but a little acknowledgement that other people are shopping too would be great. My personal favorites of the poor parking crowd include the person who stops right at the entrance as zie is walking in, the person who stops right beside (rather than in front of) an island display so that one thoroughfare is completely cut off, and that old classic, the person who stops in the dead center of an aisle, making passage on either side incredibly awkward.
2. Popular items or items you need some time to consider
Related to the previous point, if you need you some cookies ("if"....hahahahahahaha) but it's going to take a moment to figure out which ones you want, for the love of Nabisco please park your cart and/or yourself in front of a less popular adjacent item and be aware of your surroundings in case someone else wants to shop for the item you're blocking. In my experience, you're usually safe to park near store-brand stuff.
3. Being a jerk about kids
During the trip that inspired this post, I was trying to get something on the same aisle as the toys. At one end, a list-checker was chilling out with his cart parked dead center and him beside it. At the other, two children lay in the floor playing with toys, splayed out so that no one could even walk past without stepping through their game. I tried hovering around the kids for a minute to see if they'd respond to nonverbal cues to move, but they didn't. So I rolled the other way and nonverbaled the list-checker instead until he moved. Was I frustrated? Of course. Was I tempted to pass judgment? Of course. But when I was on the internet looking to see how many people have written on the topic of grocery store etiquette (spoiler alert: a lot), I saw a lot of "children should" and "parents should." Here's the thing: even the most angelic of kids won't always submit to "should". I don't care what interactions you saw between adult and child, or how you remember behaving as a tyke (your memory of which is likely skewed in your favor thanks to the
fading affect bias), you don't know that situation. Adhering to anyone's definition of perfect parenting isn't going to yield a perfectly behaved kid at all times because kids are like that. I've seen and heard people loudly and obnoxiously ask, "Where is your mother?" (bonus points for assuming Mom is the primary caregiver and the one responsible for instilling manners) or not-so-subtly muttering to their fellow shoppers about parenting or children in general. The kids don't understand the subtext you're throwing and if the guardian also doesn't, being more of a jerk about it will, at best, fly totally over hir head or, at worst, make hir defensive and create a worse situation/shopping impediment than whatever the kids were doing that stuck in your craw. On the other hand, if the guardian is able to understand said subtext, zie is probably already aware of it and is probably choosing to deal with it instead of whatever might happen if zie tries to fence the kid in (and you might want to trust hir judgment). Bottom line: you're not helping anybody, so shut it.
4. Spacing Out in Checkout
I know, I know: it's the light at the end of the tunnel. You're almost to the point where you can go on with your day, or go and eat whatever awesome thing you bought or whatever. You peruse the tabloids, counting how many Kardashians you see (or is that just me?), meanwhile the shopper in line behind you would like to go ahead and start unloading hir cart, but can't because you're standing at the end of the conveyor spacing out. Another favorite of mine is the person who doesn't warn fellow patrons when things might take a while. I've got nothing against couponing, people who need to use multiple payment methods, or other situations which commonly make checkout take a little longer than usual. But how about letting the patrons in line behind you know that it might be a while, especially if they have fewer items? Most people scan for the shortest line and might not notice that you're juggling coupons or pulling out multiple cards, especially if you're the Spacy Stacy I described a second ago.
5. Starting Fights
I wish I was kidding. I once had to switch checkout lanes because the two patrons in front of me got into a heated argument over one of the Item 4 situations: one of them had to use a special, time-consuming payment method and the other took exception. In confrontational situations especially, humans aren't wired to find the best solution, they're wired to win. So starting a shouting match with someone who is getting on your nerves isn't going to make them have a magical, "Wow, I should change my ways!" revelation, particularly if whatever they're doing isn't something they can change. It's only going to make you look unhinged. Take that junk to Wal-Mart where someone might film it and put it online.
6. Being An Entitled Boar
This connects to many of the previous items - some people just don't want to acknowledge other people. I've been standing quietly, with a pleasant facial expression, in an aisle between two sets of roadblocking customers, only to have an older gentleman loudly and annoyedly ask, "Would you like to get past, young lady?" Apparently, I am in the wrong for waiting patiently for someone to move rather than hollering at them to GIT OUT MAH WAY. I've been gingerly making my way out of the end of an aisle, looking both ways, only to nearly get pummeled by someone flying out of the neighboring aisle at 70 mph. Most of the time, that someone stops short and apologizes or at least gives a distracted "excuse me", but I have had people snort in exasperation and roll their eyes at me as they zoom past. How dare I not be psychic and get out of your way before you went all Speed Racer out of that aisle! I'm sure in many of these cases, people were just having a bad day or not feeling well or something...but that's part of what those more basic, not-impeding-people manners are for: stopping us from making our fellow humans miserable for no good reason.
So next time, friends, let's remember our shopping compatriots and be nice people at the grocery store. Because the thin veneer helping me pass for sweet in these situations is wearing down and I really don't want to end up on someone's YouTube breaking Item 5.
