Friends, some real talk: over the course of working two years in a private school, two in a public school, attending many seminars and conferences and attending graduate school, I have had many occasions to think disparagingly of my own abilities. As far as I can tell, it's fairly common to do so; we've had several conversations in my seminar class that amount to "I don't do this enough or at all/I know I shouldn't, but.../I've let this slide because xyz..." and everyone has something to add to all those lists. And of course, some of your most effective instructors are the ones who serve it to you straight. "You must take responsibility for your product. If your choir doesn't sound right, it's because you have failed to fully impart to them what is right, musically or technically." That is one uncomfortable pill to swallow and my initial inclination is to get defensive and try to justify whatever situation I think excuses me from producing students with the most technically accurate, beautiful singing possible. In fairness to whoever reads this - I'm not saying that external circumstances have no bearing on your product. Of course they do, I just use them as excuses more than I should. And as music educators, a perfect product isn't always our goal.
But I read ultimatums like the one listed above (read it today, in fact) and I become depressed. Regardless of the circumstances, I know in my heart that I have not always done my 100% best for my choirs and I start to wonder if I'll ever reach the level of fluidity and expertise of my mentors or if I'll always be this insecure, flailing little baby bird. And it is in those moments that I have to step back, check myself and remember some things:
1. Professionals in my field vary widely. Persons cited in lectures and textbooks come in all ages, demographics, backgrounds and even in rehearsal and conducting technique. In today's lecture, my teacher said, "[FAMOUS CONDUCTOR 1] likes to do this, [FAMOUS CONDUCTOR 2] likes to do this" and those two things are completely opposite. The wide variety tells me that there aren't any personality traits or intellectual traits that act as barriers to good conducting.
2. The thing that the conducting professionals do share? Time and experience. A fair portion of their effective techniques came from doing it wrong at first and looking for a solution. And even when they knew all the "right stuff", it takes time to really make it yours. My first conducting teacher, who is amazing, made a B in her first conducting class. Teachers I love and admire can all tell me stories about LGPEs gone awry, moments (or even months) of poor pedagogy, times when they were ready to hang it up...they were all flailing baby birds at one time.
In terms of a proper choir (my private school was reeeeeally small), I've only been at this for two years. Rome wasn't built in a day. The fact that I've made some mistakes doesn't make me a failure at conducting. If it did, we'd have far fewer conductors in general. It will be my willingness to acknowledge them and my efforts to correct them that will help me become the person some flailing baby birds look up to some day.
